Keeping me on my toes.

Colten isn't the usual baby, in fact he's not even in the same category as babies. This is my last child,   He sure is giving me something to remember. I'll start from the beginning.
My pregnancy was similar to my pregnancy with Mady.. No morning sickness, no cravings, 35 pound weight gain. The only real difference was I felt Colten moving all the time. It didn't matter if it was morning, noon or night.. I would joke and say " Man when does this boy stop?" When it was time for Colten to arrive, I met my goal in having a natural child birth. I went into labor July 17th at 11:45am and after walking, laboring in the tub and a quick few minutes on the ball Colten was born at 3:47pm . Instantly the midwife picked up on his birth defect and announced something was wrong with my baby. I didn't care, He's perfect to me!!
He didn't cry much in the hospital. They let us all go home 24 hours after Colten was born. I was kinda scared to be honest. Colten hadn't pee'd yet and it was nearly time to go home. He had to have an ultrasound the next day cause of his birth defect. Hypospadias and chrodee. His kidneys were enlarged. I knew they were going to be, I kept telling the nurse he hadn't pee'd since he was born. We had to meet with the urologist, we chose the best one in FL, he is 2 hours away. Once we met with him he told us Colten's condition was worse then what they told us it was when he was first born. Colten needs mandatory surgery before he is a year. Finding all this out when your little one is only a few days old was an emotion overload.

 Everyone comes out of the wood works with stories of a friend of a friends baby who had to have surgery at a young age. It's not the same trust me!! It was not reassuring to hear of these stories of people they knew through the grapevine. Colten's surgery is going to be very invasive, very detailed.. very long. They need to reconstruct his whole penis. His urethra is located on the shaft. They will close that hole up and make him a new functioning urethra on the head of the penis where it should have been. They will also break the bend so that it may be straight.
All this scares me, the what ifs. What if my baby doesn't wake up after surgery, what if the surgery fails and he needs another one, what if I mess up his home care and he gets an infection.. The what ifs really kill.
I am a realist, a planner so I have to have to have the what ifs that way if one of those arise I have already thought about it and have had a plan for it.
Colten's personality is that of someone never content. I always wonder if he's uncomfortable and that's why he is so moody, I don't think that's the case. From day 2 people would ask me if he's "colic" I was always defensive and would yell " Go do your research, colic doesnt arise till they are at least 2 weeks" 
The days went on and the fussing was more and more intense. One day in particular he screamed for 12 hours. 8am to 8pm. He did fall asleep twice in that 12 hours but only for about 10 minutes each time. I was desperate. From that day on I cut out all dairy, It had to be an allergy, it had to be something. This is not normal. After 8 days dairy free I did start to see an improvement. He was more consolable when he would get in his screaming fits. Before nothing helped him. I sadly did not reach my goal for breastfeeding. I only made it to 4.5 months. I was cutting out so much stuff , Colten was like a roller coaster and whenever he had a bad day I would obsess over what I had eaten and he must have had a reaction. It was a hard choice. I grieved  for a while and every now and then would try to get him to latch on but he wanted nothing to do with the breast anymore.  Colten dropped down to the 20% in weight. I blamed myself. I was barely eating a thing and exclusively breast feeding. the Dr's thought it was better to introduce soy as well. So that was that.

Colten is almost 6 months and they say "colic" goes away around 5 months. I never really labeled Colten as "colic" but whatever it is isn't going away.  Colten never cared for his swing, bouncy chair, car seat, or play mats. He hates being rocked, he will squirm and arch his back if you try to cuddle with him. From an early age the only way he would let anyone hold him is facing outwards. If you face him inwards he will head butt you and squirm. Its hard finding things to do with him to help him reach milestones cause he will fuss if he's left any certain way for too long. Up until 4 days ago my 5 month old was still being swaddled. We broke that cold turkey. He had a fever and swaddling him made the fever rise. I wasn't sure if him being swaddled so much had anything to do with him not rolling over. Well only 4 days unswaddled and hes rolling all over the place.

People tell me to let him cry it out. There is no end near when Colten gets in his moods. I honestly believe he can go on for days. He looks at you too while screaming just to make sure you are watching him. He even cracks a smile or two while fussing but he wont stop fussing. If you leave him be he escalates. I realized attending to him and getting his mind on something else works best. So no crying it out in this house! It would drive me mad to listen to him cry all day. A few days ago he wouldn't stop fussing when I sat him down, I yelled " STOP ALREADY" and he stoped fussing, his bottom lip came out he held his breath and tears starting flying. I broke his heart, then instantly my heart shattered and we were both crying. I have been researching autism in babies. From what I read they are extremely calm and don't make eye contact. Like I mentioned before, Colten watches you when he fusses to make sure you are paying attention!! Calm, whats that??? Even when Colten is "calm" he's moving an arm or leg!!! He can't sit still.

I cant imagine the toddler he will become. All I picture is back arching, throwing himself down, screaming at the top of his lungs in publix. It  matches his personality now. I'm terrified. I have a high needs baby. A different breed. Life is so different with Colten in it. I wouldn't trade him in for anything. I am learning patience, I eat at home all the time now, we would be crazy to bring him to a restaurant. Ive learned how to cook all these different meals, Ive learned how to get the house clean while wearing Colten. Matt and I are actually thriving in our marriage. This situation could break someone, not us! I find it humorous and amusing. We have been handed a lot with with Mady's disease, some deaths in the family, Matt's PTSD from the military, Colten's birth defect and the upcoming surgery, My mom's drug addiction So a fussy baby seems like nothing! If Colten wasn't so fussy I may have no reason to get out of bed everyday. Colten keeps me alive. When things get overwhelming we go for a walk, we soak up the sun! 
Having a high needs baby is challenging, tiring, One day one thing works and then the next day it doesn't work. Colten is here and he's ready to go. He waits for no one! Eager to learn and frustrated with slow results. So here's to in demand babies!!! A special type of baby!